Thoughts In the Lead Up to My Gap Year

5/9/22

5/10/22

Deep breath

Calm my stomach

Relax my shoulders

It’s ok that I don’t have the answers

The point is to be open and receptive

Don’t let the fear close me up

It is possible

It can be better

You can make this change

Let go and grow

What am I going to learn from this adventure?

What will I discover about myself? 

What can I let go of?

What can I develop?

What fears can I face?

What joy can I discover?

What unknown things about myself will I uncover?

Who will I become?

What will open up?

5/12/22

How will this change my life?

Who will I meet?

Who will I become?

When will I know it’s time?

• Time to shift
• Time to move
• Time to listen
• Time to stop
• Time to allow
• Time to break out of the chains I’ve wrapped around myself

5/13/22

Do something different

Change up the routine

Try something new

Challenge yourself

That’s what makes your brain grow and your heart sing

Comfort has its place

But it isn’t the only place

Change will do you good

5/15/22

Lightness is the key

• Less stuff
• Less worry
• Less work
• Less control

Not letting things weigh you down

Seeing the beauty and education in whatever happens

It’s not a race or a game we are trying to win

It’s a life we are leading and learning from

5/16/22

I’ve always landed on my feet

I’ve made many changes before

I’ve grown and learned

I can do this

The fear of the unknown is what stops me

There are so many alternate paths out there

And now it’s time to travel some of them and discover myself

5/17/22

A castle caretaker

A forest ranger

A campground host

A travel guide

An adventurer

A goat shepherd

A park writer & photographer

A nature enthusiast

An encourager of women to make changes

A new person

I can change my life, break out of my comfort zone, live truthfully

5/18/22

Does it always need to be about getting things done?

Ticking boxes?

Stacking accomplishments one after the other?

Producing?

Can it be about:

• Observing
• Learning
• Savoring
• Forgetting
• Letting go
• Shedding

Less, instead of more stuff, responsibilities, worries, money

More time to enjoy

5/19/22

Will it always be like this?

Getting bored and moving onto the next thing

Is that bad? 

Or is it the sign of a continual learner?

Maybe all these different things will come together

And I’ll find what I’m looking for

Or maybe not and I’ll enjoy the next exploration

5/20/22

Fridays are slower

If it is important it will get done

If not, it can wait for Monday

More time for contemplation

More time to sleep

More time for fun

5/21/22

Castle Crags Day 1

Bundled up against the chilly morning air

Hot cider

Sun peeking through the trees

Birdsong filling the air

Trees fill my view – old, new, standing, falling, stumps

An ecosystem as it should be – alive, dying, regenerating

Messy and real

5/22/22

Castle Crags Day 2

Sounds of water rushing over and between rocks

Sitting by a waterfall reading

Hiking for hours and seeing no one

Beautiful wild orchids

Butterflies flitting in the sunshine

Crags peeking out among the trees

Smell of alpine forest

Tired legs pushing on

What is around the corner?

What will I see?

What will I hear?

What will I discover about myself?

5/23/22

Lake Shasta

Glittering lake

Sun shining through the pine branches

Birds call

Wind shimmers the leaves

Earth scraped dry having spent decades under water, but now exposed by drought 

Signs of life on the areas that haven’t been underwater in years

Will the forest overtake and claim back what is rightfully its own?

A sad state when Mother Nature’s lack allows it to take back what was stolen for man’s material wealth

Don’t they see that what they steal only hurts us all?

5/24/22

Questions

What will it be like to not have an alarm waking me up each weekday?

Will I sleep in late?

Or will I be excited to get up and face the day?

What kind of routine will I settle into?

What will be important to me?

Who will I spend time with?

What will my life become?

How long will it take to let the concerns go?

Out of sight, out of mind?

I know new ones will crop up

What is next for me?

Am I crazy to do this?

What am I capable of?

How do I want to spend my time?

Can I find a job that I love that I can support myself on and thrive?

Isn’t that what we all want?

5/26/22

Relax and Savor

This is a challenge for me

Always onto the next thing to do

And then I’m wiped out and haven’t enjoyed the fruits of my labor

Relax and Savor

Other people – just be, you don’t have to always be doing

Celebrate

Don’t hide away to read and eat where it is quiet and safe

Relax and Savor

Let your bones feel it

Savor the rest

• The hard work
• The inspiration
• The curiosity
• The courage
• The sweat & love

Savor all you have been blessed with and what it provides others

Then rest so you can do the next thing, happily, when you are ready

5/27/22

What have I done?

Have I just made a huge mistake?

Will I end up homeless living under a bridge?

Will I have to work a job I hate to pay the bills?

Will my life fall apart without a steady income, a routine, feeling accomplished by doing things?

Am I crazy?

Am I a failure for not sticking to this job longer?

Have I not done enough?

Am I not enough?

Is my sense of self so dependent on what others say about me or how much I get done that it will shatter without it?

Or am I trapped in an invisible box that constrains the idea of who I could be?

Feeling unsettled

Something is shifting

Anxiety rising

Sadness stirring

I am unmoored

My old life is falling away

My new one is unknown

How to decide what is the right thing to do?

How to make the choices that will lead me forward?

Do I need to step back and get quiet within in order to know what is next?

Do I withdraw from the world or draw people closer?

Feeling lonely and out of place

This isn’t right for me anymore

Things are fuzzy

Not connecting

Going through the motions but not seeing what is next

All I need to do is take the next step

I don’t need to see any further than that

Short term is ok

Ditch the plans

Be open to what calls and feels right

Embrace the feelings

Allow myself to experience them – good, bad or indifferent

Don’t continue to cover up with smiles and it will be alright

This insanity doesn’t need to be my way of life

I can do something different and it will be ok. I will be ok

5/28/22

I can’t face the day

Pull the covers over my head

Read my book and

Shut out the world

Let my fear rule for now

So I can gather strength 

Or maybe I gather strength by facing the day, throwing off the covers, putting down my book and being part of the world

On my terms, not someone else’s 

Let fear take over?

No, not today

5/29/22

The future feels so amorphous

I’m really not sure what it will look like

Less clear now than it was a few months ago

Shifting sands

But I’m continuing to move ahead

Learning, adjusting

But keeping my needs in mind

Open my mind and heart to explore what is possible

5/30/22

Loneliness creeps in as I try to decide next steps

Feeling trapped in the cycles of my brain

I need to let go to move on

Anxiety causes me to clamp down and spin on and on

How do I stop the cycle and allow myself to let life happen?

I have stepped into the unknown before

MANY TIMES!

I have found my way and made it mine

MANY TIMES!

I have felt fear and moved ahead

MANY TIMES!

I have stumbled and been lost and scared

MANY TIMES!

And I have always been ok

And I have learned and grown and become myself

And I will continue to do that

I will not let fear hold me back from this adventure

Money does not control me

I can do more than I have ever expected

My universe expands as I let my courage grow

Take root and look ahead

I am capable and ready to venture into the unknown

5/31/22

The world feels scary and unknown

I feel incapable and alone

Change is frightening

I want to hide and also to run away

Worried I will be uncovered as the person I really am – unsure, scared, stuck

How do I let go of this terror that overwhelms me?

How do I move forward to what I need to do next so I’m not stuck in this eternal hell of all the things I’ve done wrong?

I’m tired of being responsible

I just want to find out who I am

Not who everyone wants me to be or who I think I should be

That’s the fear that’s gripping me – taking off the mask

6/1/22

What problems am I not letting myself solve?

What have I accepted as the truth without looking for other solutions?

What fears are keeping me stuck?

Is my need to not make mistakes, to feel in control, to know what I’m doing making my life smaller?

Am I constricting when I need to be expanding?

How can I look at myself honestly and evaluate what’s going on?

How do I know when to keep pushing forward and when to stop and go a different direction?

Where will I be in 6 months? A year?

Where will I find the courage and strength to go where I need to go?

6/2/22

The loudest voice is not the truth

The quietest often brings greater wisdom from thoughtfulness

Take from the foundation to keep the house up and eventually it collapses

Ask questions to obtain information and make an informed decision

Don’t argue for the sake of arguing

This isn’t debate team

It’s an organization that grows and collapses based on your decisions

Be thoughtful

Be realistic

Be kind

6/3/22

Calm, serene space

Fog swirls in

Safe & warm behind the windows

As nature flows by outside

I observe, then go out and merge into the cold, brisk air

Alive!

6/4/22

Doggy cuddles on a foggy morning

Warm & snug in bed, tucked safely away from the chilly world outside

A good book to read – thousands actually

And no specific timetable for the day

This is joy

6/5/22

Gentle rain tapping the tree branches

Clean earthy smell rising from below

Waves of cool air float by

Rain in June is such an unexpected and blessed treat

Even if it’s only enough to lightly coat the ground

It brings hope and refreshes my soul

6/6/22

Who will I be when I’m not working?

When I’m not an Executive Director

When I don’t work for the CCCBA

When I’m a nomad, a wanderer, a seeker, an explorer

I’m still me but my purpose is different

Is it better? Worse?

Am I as valuable, important, worthy? Of what?

Will I stop and look at things more? Will I notice details?

Observe what is going on around me?

What will I miss?

What will I not miss?

What will excite me?

Scare me?

Motivate me?

Intimidate me?

Capture me?

Enthrall me?

Expose me?

What will I be exposed to?

Who will I be exposed to?

How will I find my way?

How will I decide the way to go?

What surprises await?

What will I discover about:

Myself

The world

The future

What’s important

What I can let go of

What I must embrace

What is next?

6/7/22

Sleep of oblivion

Waking rested

Relaxed and calm

What did I do to cause it?

How can I repeat it?

How would I feel if I could sleep like this every night and wake refreshed?

Is it from slowly letting go of responsibility?

Taking time to connect with friends?

Or just random luck – the planets aligned, the temperature is right

A relaxing hot tub dip before bed

Is there a secret to sleep?

If so, I want to learn it

6/8/22

Cat silhouetted by the setting sun

Downstairs neighbors sitcom blaring

Birds calling their night time goodbyes

Too tired to journal, floating through the evening

It’s about being, not doing

Just letting life soak in, absorbing

I can just be and that’s ok

6/9/22

What if I just gave up all my plans?

Woke up each morning without a to do list?

And just saw what became of the day – followed my nose to what seems interesting

How would I do?

It’s an experiment worth trying out

This time is about doing something different and challenging myself

6/10/22

Out of sorts

Where am I headed?

What is next?

Shouldn’t I be figuring this out?

Shouldn’t I do more?

How can I let go and just be in the present moment?

Not worrying about what may happen

Or feeling that I ‘should’ be doing more

I want to explore, tear down the boundaries and find out who I am when I’m not doing all the time

When I’m not being the person I get all the gold stars for

Don’t tell me that things will fall apart without me or that I’m irreplaceable

I know it’s meant as a compliment but it nails me to the floor

Increases my anxiety and fear

Is that all I am?

Are there not other parts of me?

What if I stop being that way?

What if it’s too exhausting to keep the plates spinning?

What if that’s all that I am?

But that can’t be

There is more to me but it’s so covered up with shellacked layers of doing what others want

Looking for approval

Hiding my imperfections

My problems

And pretending all is well

And stuffing my feelings down

So I won’t feel vulnerable I layer myself up

No- I’m fine, I’m fine

Life is good

Nothing to complain about

Nothing to talk about

Nothing about

Nothing

6/11/22

Bird song mixes with excited camping kids’ shrieks

Slam of the raccoon proof garbage containers

RV reversing beeps

Low roar of the propane stove heating up water for coffee

Murmured conversation between adults sitting in front of a crackling morning campfire as they nurse their java

What will today bring?

6/12/22

What am I striving for?

What will make me feel that I’m on the right path?

That I’m doing the right thing?

That I’m spending my time and talents as I should?

That I’m not wasting time?

Why is my life set up the way it is?

Does it all have to revolve around money?

Every decision seems to be weighed by a cost-benefit analysis. Is that what brings me down?

Looking out into the trees I realize how strange it all is

Trading my life for money that I get because it helps other people make more money

What’s the point?

Doesn’t it just create scarcity, a feeling of never having enough, always wanting more?

Fear of it all falling apart

If I’m going to live to be 100 I need to do it in a way that’s sustainable

Not burn out and be exhausted and spend more money in an attempt to feel better

How about creating a happy, sustainable life that I don’t need to escape from?

6/13/22

Am I hoping to evolve ever closer to perfect?

Why would that be the goal?

How about learning something new?

Creating joy for others

Treading more lightly

Using and needing less and showing others how to do that

The joy in simplicity and making do and using your own talents instead of buying and having more

How can I make a living doing that?

How can that be a realistic lifestyle?

Do people want the glitter and glitz of new and shiny?

The ease of someone or something else doing it all?

Deprivation can lead to gratitude

Like a warm shower after a cold hike

6/14/22

Toss and turn

To many to do’s racing around my brain

Questions unanswered

Problems unsolved

All I want now is to be lulled back to sleep and forget about life for a while…

6/15/22

Tired of doing the same thing

Uninspired about the future

Never seems to be enough time to get through the to do list

Much less determine something new and different to do

Maybe it’s time to bust out from the shackles of the to-do list and live

6/16/22

When I allow myself to listen to and feel those negative emotions inside

I see the bubbling turmoil just below the surface

It threatens to grab me and pull me under

The more I try to push it down and ignore it, seal it over with happy, positive, grateful thoughts and the occasional twist of exasperation that I don’t realize how good I’ve got it

The more the tumult increases and threatens to capsize my boat (soul)

When I let go and allow the vault to open the turmoil comes rushing out

Only to evaporate and shrink in the sunlight

Because once exposed and given birth to

It no longer continues to grow and expand

It has been acknowledged, which is all it ever needed

And now it can relax and become one of many feelings that just exist inside me

It no longer needs to force its way into consciousness

It’s just one of the family, a part of me not more or less worthy than any other

6/17/22

You don’t care about my input

You have no idea what the job entails

You just want to make a decision based on your ideas that only see a very small sliver of the job

Well good luck to you and the organization

I’ll do my best until I leave and you can deal with the fallout

I am enough

I am capable

I make mistakes and learn from them (usually)

I have good days and bad days

I’m going to be ok

I’m going to grow and gain strength and figure out who I am becoming

Imperfect

Wonderful 

Me

6/18/22

Walls are becoming bare

My life is in boxes

How many will there be?

Is it a sign of too much or too little?

It’s about what’s inside me – the people I love, the lives I’ve intersected with

And not the things I’ve purchased, the stuff I’ve accumulated

Most is forgotten once it’s packed up

The most important things are always with me

6/19/22

What are my intentions going forward?

What do I want to do more of when I have more freedom in my days?

Less of?

What restrictions that I’ve put on myself do I need to release?

How many are unknown?

How much of myself do I want to put ‘out there’?

What do I want to talk to people about?

I’ve been silent for so long keeping my thoughts to myself

Do I want to open up, expose them to the light, to other ears?

Can what I have experienced help others?

Can my holding back, staying curled in, keeping others out ever change?

Can I metamorphose and become a butterfly?

Do I want to?

Why wouldn’t I let my colors show?

Isn’t it better to get these battling feelings out so they don’t ravage me inside anymore?

Admit my fears, my inadequacies, all the things that I’ve held back out of fear

Don’t you see how being nice and polite has tortured your soul?

6/20/22

Give away what you don’t need

Help others

It increases the flow of energy, gratitude and connection

We are all here for each other, not to accumulate more things

I feel a lightness getting rid of what I no longer need

And helping out someone else

6/21/22

Getting lost sitting in front of my computer

Back and forth with email

Everything is a hassle

I’m stuck inside

I don’t want to do this anymore

I feel myself shrinking and hardening

My life leaching away one screen moment at a time

Why am I still here?

Who cares about what I’m doing?

It makes no difference

I lead a life of busy work

So tired of it

There has got to be more than this

What can I do to grow into who I am?

What do I need to let go of?

What fears do I need to face?

What truth do I need to tell so I no longer feel I can only do this?

I can change

I can do more

This is pulling me down

I need to find what energizes and motivates me

I need to look at the world in a different way

There is hope

I can become the person I am meant to be 

And still be scared and sad and unsure

But I keep going

6/22/22

This loneliness hurts so much

What is wrong with me?

Why do I feel so alone and that there isn’t anyone who wants to be with me?

Why do I feel so incompetent and that I don’t really have any skills?

That I am stepping off a cliff and my life is falling down

And I’ve made myself do this

Crash and burn on purpose

Because I can’t hold it together anymore

I’m not able to be this way anymore

But I don’t know how to be a different way

Who will I be?

What will happen to me as I go through this transition?

Will I make it?

What will my life become?

Can I let go of these expectations I have of myself and try something new?

Be open to a radical change

Or is this fear really about that…

There will be no radical change

I can’t do things differently

I am stuck with this uninspiring small life

This is the best it gets and I will spend my days not really doing much

I can’t live a future like that

I need to grow and change and stand up for who i am

I’m tired of being quiet and frightened and pleasing others

My life feels so beige and gray

I want it to be colorful, joyful, creative, enthusiastic, growing and learning

EXPANDING

Not pulling inward and getting hard, heavy and brittle – desiccated from a lack of growth and love and nourishment

Nourishment – juicy sweetness. 

That is what I want more of

Do I deserve it?

Have I earned it…?

Change always involves loss – even if it is things you want to get rid of

Loss of routines

• Comforts
• Assured certainty
• Friendship
• Security

Change creates confusion 

• Backtracking
• False starts
• Pressure
• Fear

But wading through the morass will bring 

• Joy
• Energy
• Growth
• Strength

Every small step forward is progress

Hell, even a sideways step means you are moving in a different direction

You can’t go backwards as the walls close behind you once you move on

You are never the same person you were the day before

How much do I go with the flow and see what happens and how much do I push and pull and grasp?

How will I know what is right for me when right now all is confusion?

6/23/22

It’s the slow, simple things really

Sitting with mom

Laughing over a family joke

Appreciating a good coffee and cold ice cream

Nothing else is as important as being here

Therefore there is no stress as I am exactly where I need to be, doing what I need to do. 

YES

6/24/22

I become calmer as the house empties out

Less to worry about

Fewer things to do 

Open spaces

Less distraction

Now can my mind and soul do the same?

Open to new possibilities

Let go of the stuff

Have a clean slate to start creating my new masterpiece

Using all I have learned before

6/25/22

Cutting down trees and using toxic chemicals to create magazines about nature seems so wrong

How can we celebrate the beauty and wonder of nature without destroying it?

How to spread the message of the power of nature to heal and uplift to those who most need it instead of to the already converted?

There has to be a better way

Something natural that can be reused, recycled, replenished

Maybe its connection

Simplicity

Less clutter so we can truly see the forest or at least one tree

6/26/22

No long list of to do’s or shoulds

Books to read if I want

Walks to take or not

A nap in the shade?

Learn a new skill?

Let my mind wander

Play with the dogs

The day is open. I am unrushed

Sunday

6/27/22

Expectations

That I put on myself

From others

Give direction – but is it the right one?

Weigh me down

Make it hard to know what is right

Where I’m going

What is next

What I want

How do I figure out who I am?

When I don’t know how to follow what’s inside

It’s been corrupted by others desires

6/28/22

I can taste freedom

Starting to let go of my to do lists and forward planning

Stop always doing for others and concentrate on what I want for myself

Go at a different pace

Stay up late when I’m into something

Sleep in when I’m tired

Follow my instincts

So often they are buried under a pile of menial shoulds that are about others needs

Now I can uncover them and decide

What do I want?

6/29/22

I don’t want to make decisions

I’m done doing other people’s work for them

Figure it out – don’t ask me

I have my own life to decide

7/1/22

The world looks different after a good night’s sleep

I am ready to look at things in a more positive, purposeful way

But is that better?

What is the upside of feeling ground down and tired of the way things are?

Change from seeing what is not working 

Instead of cheerily going along with blinders on doing what I’ve always done

A slave to comfort and routine

Change means things are uncomfortable, unsure, strange

That doesn’t mean I’m going in the wrong direction

Only being willing to try something different

7/2/22

To do lists dominate my brain

Where has my creativity gone?

Replaced by an endless constant dread

Fear of what I’ve forgotten to do 

Fear of being overwhelmed by what is still left to be done

Never any space to breathe

To consider alternatives

To notice what is around me

Instead so much that needs to get done

Before I can then take time off because I have ‘earned’ it

But there is never an end to the to-dos

Always someone adding more

And praising me for my ability to get so much done

Don’t they see that’s why I’m leaving?

My spirit is broken

I am exhausted

I no longer want this burden of herding their cats

I want to do my own exploring and not worry about others

They can decide if they want to put the work in

I can’t continue to push

It destroys my soul for this to be my livelihood

NO MORE

7/3/22

54th birthday questions

What if?

What if this was the best job for me?

What if I can’t find anything else I want to do?

What if I can’t find a job at all?

What if my life falls apart?

What if I keep eating to make myself feel better?

What if I fall into a depression?

What if it never gets better?

What if I can’t figure out what’s next?

What if my life contracts instead of expands?

What if I can’t find the strength and courage I need to do something different?

What if I make a mistake?

What if I’m too scared to make mistakes, to try something new?

What if I can’t let go and trust myself?

Where will my life go?

Where will I end up?

What if my anxiety takes over?

What if I take shelter in the safe, the known?

What if I never take the leap?

What if I can’t figure out the change I need to make?

What if I get stuck in my head?

What if I let the 1 million what if’s paralyze me?

What if I don’t?

What if it all turns out even better than I imagined?

What if there is something incredible for me?

What if letting go of this security leads me to greater confidence and happiness?

What if I can let go of the hold my fear has on me?

Thank it for it’s time and concern but let it know I’ve got this, It’s ok not to know, it’s ok to fall down

I can get back up again and I can figure this out

It’s going to be ok

You’ll be ok

You will be more than ok

You will bloom

7/4/22

2 am contemplations

Looking out the open window

The night is completely silent, not even a bird call

Light wind cools my cheek

Wonder if I will be able to take off my worry burden

Or will there always be a next thing I can’t let go of

Unproductive worry wears me down

How do I give it up and make space 

For wonder

For joy

For creativity

For something new

For love

For the unexpected

Who will be my guide in this unfamiliar world?

7/5/22

Deep breath in and out

All will be well

Things will work out or they won’t 

You don’t know if its good or bad

Let it go and be present

Distractions tempt from everywhere

Close your eyes

Go within

Don’t lose your life to what others create

Decide what you want 

And do it

7/6/22

Something new is around the corner

Maybe challenging

Maybe easy

Maybe fun

Maybe boring

Maybe extraordinary or just ordinary

But my life will be different

And that’s what I need right now

A change

7/7/22

Worn out

All I want to do is sleep

And not think about all the things to be done

The loose ends that no one wants to tie up (including me)

The obligations

Calgon, take me away!

It will never be done 

I don’t have to continue to carry the load

Let it fall and see who picks it up

7/8/22

Is my life about all the things I’ve accomplished?

Or those I’ve failed at?

What I’ve done?

Or not done?

What I got right?

Or wrong?

What I remembered?

Or forgot?

All of the above?

Or none of them?

What will I care about at the end?

What will matter to others?

Almost none of what I worry about today

So forget it.

7/9/22

Beginning to shed the layers

Responsibility for others

• Leadership
• Coordinator
• Cheerleader
• Juggler of plates

Laughter is coming more easily and is deeper

My pace has slowed

I listen more and talk less

This is what is important, not checking boxes

7/11/22

Next part of the new adventure

New/old place

Adjusting to living with others

Lightening my load

What do I really need and what can I say goodbye to?

More time with people

Less time with stuff

Onward to my next phase

7/12/22

Every conversation leads to more ideas and possibilities

Putting together a different kind of life

Less responsibility

More creativity

Travel

People and conversation

Connection 

Less doing

More being

No longer 9 to 5 in an office

Outdoors

Less stuff

Shedding what is no longer needed

Traveling lightly

Learning something new

7/13/22

Some people have so much drama in their lives

Everything revolves around the latest disaster

What would it look like to have calmer seas?

Is there something being pushed down by the chaos?

Distraction from the deeper problem

To focus on the whirlwind outside

7/14/22

It all seems so silly

This scurrying around to get things done

Checking boxes to benefit someone else

Is this how I want to spend my time?

How can I be of service to others?

How do I make a positive difference in the world?

Is it being in the background as support?

That’s just as important as being out in front

But what is it that I want to support?

What calls me?

What do I get excited about?

That’s where I want to spend my time and talent

Now I can let go of this burden I no longer want to bear

And find a place that is right for me

7/15/22

Is it better to be silent when you disagree with someone who won’t change their mind to keep the peace?

If they won’t discuss the issue respectfully and get irate, is it better just to ignore it?

Or will it fester?

Is it better to get it out and hope you both can accept and move on?

When it’s your mom, can you forgive and forget?

7/16/22

Open space & time

What do I do?

Nothing

Sit and listen

Soak up what is going on this minute

No worries about the future

Wishes about the past

This is it

This is your life

Be present for it

Before it is over

7/17/22

Foggy peacefulness

Quiet streets

Calm Sunday morning

My mind expands

My body relaxes

My heart sings

More of this

More!

I need fewer material things

7/18/22

Calm excitement

Sweet certainty that I made the right decision

Even though the future is unknown

Which is always true

But I’ve created it myself intentionally this time

What doors will become visible now?

What will I allow myself to explore?

Who will I become?

How will I know?

7/19/22

So tired of being in charge (or in change?)

Of making decisions

Of having to figure things out

Of keeping people reminded and motivated

I don’t want to be the adult, mommy anymore

Do your own work

Figure it out yourself

I’m tired of doing it for others

I don’t have space to figure out what I want

Too busy scurrying to the next item on my to do list

To support others so they can concentrate on bigger things

So why can’t I do that instead?

I want a feeling of accomplishment for my own achievements

Not from doing things for people who don’t care and already have too much

7/20/22

Just one more hour of sleep

Or 15 minutes, 5?

But mere sleep isn’t the cure

It’s not just physical exhaustion

Its emotional, deep within

Too much has been sucked out and not enough replaced

Nurturing, positive self-care, love is needed to bring my body and soul back to life

7/21/22

Anxiety taking over

Have I thought this through enough?

Am I doing enough – should there be more?

How far do I go?

How much do I spend?

What do I do alone?

Stomach churning

Mind racing 

Reality sets in 

Where can I find the peace and quiet I need to see clearly?

Or is that not possible and I just need to step forward into the messy world and figure it out as I go along?

No plan but to learn to trust myself and the universe and see what comes up

Can I do it?

Or will I run and hide?

7/23/22

Balancing the need to be productive and feel accomplished

With the quiet space to be contemplative and feel settled

Busyness fills my day and pushes out deeper work that is more amorphous but also transformative

How to let go of the temptation to do the quick, simple, visible hits of productivity in order to have room for the longer, more complicated, invisible work of learning about myself and what I need long term to survive

This is the reason for this shift in my life, the pause from frenetic doing

To go down into my lifespring and realize what it is I require for the next season of my life to feel whole

Can I find the 

• Courage
• Patience
• Creativity
• Openness

To allow myself to let go of the need to strive for physical, tangible reward and find the intrinsic core of myself – to bring it to the light so it can grow, water it with my sweat, tears and love

There has to be more, the path I’ve been on is not taking me in the right direction

Can I take that road less traveled?

Or even forge my own, using the tools that others have created and I have gratefully picked up and begun to use.

7/23/22

Settle

Settle down

Settle yourself

Settle the baby

Settle the crowd

Settle your nerves

Settle in

Settle into

Going from an external, often busy focus to an internal, calm, peaceful, ready to receive space

Shedding worries

Opening up

7/24/22

I want to feel useful and that my time is spent doing things that help people

Not just stuff to fill time or to make things that are of no use

Back to basics?

Making food

Creating without using a lot of energy

Getting rid of excess that gets in the way of enjoying life

It’s all about reduction

7/25/22

Something to fill me up

That I’m excited to do

That makes a difference

Something you can see

Not just emails and paper

Not having to tiptoe around people

Not being judged and convicted by everything that is said or not said

Assuming good intentions

Doing the best I can

7/27/222

Packed in a hurry and forgot

Made do and it was fine

How much do I really need?

What is just for comfort and becomes an impediment

Something extra that weighs me down

One more thing to do

To remember

To keep track of 

And less time for learning something new

Noticing

Space

Others

So much of it is a distraction

A bolster against the unknown

What else could we do if we let go of all the unnecessary things we think we have to have?

7/28/22

So ready to be done

But unsure what is next

Wondering what it will feel like

How will I handle the transition

One I’ve brought on myself

Take it one step at a time

You can do this

Time for change

7/29/22

Last Day – what they said:

You had a huge impact on my life

I remember how welcome you made me feel

You opened doors for me

Your smile

Presence

Positive attitude

Hard work

Calm

Ability to handle ups and downs

Consistency

Will always be remembered

You went above and beyond

Made things better

Were always there

A cheerleader

A friend

A she-ro

You will be missed

It won’t be the same

I don’t want you to leave – but I want you to do this

Embracing change keeps you young

You are courageous

Thank you

7/30/22

First day of a new life

Waking with the dawn and to a raccoon fight!

Look out the windows into the bandit face of one of the culprits

Both of us staring fascinated with the creature mere inches away

Who are you?

What is your life like?

I hope he returns so we can get better acquainted.

7/31/22

So much of my life has been unknown 

A step forward in the dark

I only thought it was decided and secure because I followed a path laid out by others

No one tells you that once you start down the path there are no guarantees

No matter how smart you are

How hard you try

How much money you have

How much time you spend

Sometimes it’s just luck

Or timing

Or a chance encounter

Life is a series of sliding doors

Most you can’t control

You don’t’ know where it will take you

But you can choose to change direction

Stop and look around

Learn from wherever you are

Appreciate where you are and the people with you

And take all on the next part of your journey

Be open – you don’t know what is out there

I hope you have the time of your life!

8/1/22

First Day

Monday morning

No alarm

No checking email

No rushing through morning routine

No preoccupation with what needs to be done

Yes waking when I was ready

Yes journaling and thinking

Yes looking out the window as I write and think

Yes doing less and with intention

Yes a different life

8/2/22

It’s not a race 

Whoever does the most before they die does not win

Stop

Is this how you want to spend your previous life?

Who are the people you want to be with?

What difference do you want to make?

Where do you want to go?

What do you love to do?

Then do those things

Not stuff that will impress others

Do you 

Better yet

BE you

And discover the you that is always evolving and learning

Uncovering the you that has been hidden under layers of shoulds

Others needs

Fear of failure

Comfort of routine

Tear it down

You are in there

And it’s ok to come out

8/3/22

So caught up in accomplishments

I forget to be present for the people in my life

The part that makes life worth living

Not checking boxes

Why does the quick hit of accomplishment pull like a drug?

When I know the deeper satisfaction of relationships lovingly tended

Let go of the need to do

Instead be there for others

At Tennessee Valley Beach

Remember it’s about the journey too, not just the destination

The journey is where you learn

Don’t rush through and miss it

Savor, exalt in the fact that you get to take the journey

The destination may change because of what you encounter and learn from on the journey

So pay attention

Don’t go so fast you miss the details

That is where the beauty lives

Slow down and you will enjoy it more

Your tired feet are a mark of the journey – rejoice that you can feel the aches

A wrong turn opens up new possibilities, off the beaten path is where the real beauty and peace lie

8/4/22

Sitting side by side with mom

Explaining how things work

Patiently listening and waiting

Flashing back to when my kids were little

Learning to read

Tie their shoes

Figure out a math problem

I see the same frustration and fear and struggle

Then the relief when it makes sense

I quell my urge to rush ahead, say ‘It’s so simple, why don’t you understand…’

The same feelings of love, wanting to support and encourage, not damage

And it pays off again with a smile, a hug and a sense of peace

8/5/22

To watch someone engaged in doing what they love is splendid

The energy, enthusiasm and joy that bursts forth from their face and body can’t be contained in a mere vessel

It radiates out and infects everyone around

That is why we are drawn to them and their craft

They are giving back to the world by allowing themselves to produce their art, be it music, acting, teaching, writing, organizing, driving, directing, whatever

And the world is richer for it

What about those who aren’t engaged in their work in the same way?

Those whose work causes destruction, pain and sadness

What can we do to change it so they too will have a chance to flourish?

Maybe that’s how we can create a peaceful, harmonious world

If everyone loves what they are doing is there a reason to fight?

I know – it’s naive

That’s ok.

8/6/22

Its ok to take your time and figure out 

Its ok to wander, unsure, to this and that

Don’t fill up every second with something

Give room to wonder and explore and see what happens

Take off the restrictions that have held you

Allow for mistakes and bumps and thrills

Fear is your friend

This is the time to embrace whatever comes your way

Inquire, investigate go to the edge and peer over

Then Jump!

8/7/22

Nothing like nature’s perfume

Nature’s decorating 

Nature’s challenges 

Give me the sound of the wind and waves and animals over the sound of traffic any day

Why is it such a soother for some and an annoyance and fear for others?
How can you not slow down and savor?

8/8/22

What if I had taken a different path to begin with

Where would I be now?

How divergent have those paths become or are they like entwined ropes and I would have ended up here anyway?

How can I make sure I am not letting myself see different opportunities and just sticking to safety?

Who else am I?

8/9/22

I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye

I should have come earlier

Nothing is more important than saying ‘Thank You’ to someone who has been part of your life for so long

Something always comes up, there isn’t the time, we are busy

But that’s not what I want, so why be that way with others?

Show up

8/10/22

Veins show boldly on my feet and hands

Wrinkles surround my eyes and mouth

My neck is loose

My hips are wide

Rolls surround my once trim waist

I’m playing trombone when I read the paper

The ‘highlights’ in my hair are grey/white

I’m slower to bounce back from injury or drinking for that matter

I can’t remember facts as well, but people are still vivid, especially positive experiences together

• Kindnesses
• Joy
• Adventure
• Love

And really, what else matters?

8/11/22

I no longer want to have Mondays

I want space to explore, discover and create

What is the least I need materially in order to live the life that fulfills me?

How simple on the outside can things be so I can lead a more complex internal life?

The more complex my days are in order to do my job – no the busier they are the less energy I have for anything else

Do less

Be more

• Alive
• Joyful
• Interested
• Free
• Creative 
• Real

8/12/22

Leap for joy

Leap in fear

Leap over the gap

Leapin’ Lizards!

Take the leap

Flying, off the ground

A moment of suspension

Surprise, excitement

Coiled energy

Quick movement

Taking a risk

Leaps and bounds

Going high

Leap year

Something extra

Leap into it

8/13/22

What is life showing me now?

What is important to me

What do I need more of

What do I need less of

How to slow down

A different perspective

How little I need

How much I want

How much I needed time off

How to let go of expectations

How to be present

8/14/22

Leave the wall blank until it is ready to be filled

Maybe it will always be blank

We need space to consider what is next

To widen our viewpoint

Don’t clutter it all up just to have something there

Find the beauty in plainness

The way will come

Give it time

8/15/22

And so it starts

The need to feel productive

To have a to do list I can complete so my day feels worthwhile

Is that all I am – a human doing?

How can I give myself the space to imagine, explore, tinker, dabble, putz and dream

when I keep filling my days with things to be done

I need to refill my sails but I can’t do that if I’m constantly working on the boat

I need to go outside into the air and let go of those little things – the things that have consumed me literally for years

And look at the bigger picture and see where my new place is within it

This and that, this and that

Can’t stay settled for more than a few minutes

Is this a waste of my time?

A waste of money?

When will the package come?

Should I go to the store?

What am I scrolling online?

Why can’t I sit and enjoy?

Maybe I should meditate, that might help

But I can’t sit still

Planning, planning for tomorrow

Anxiety grips me, the need to feel like I’m making good use of my time

It’s ok when I’m in motion, but when I sit it overwhelms

Do!

Do!

Do!

Do!

Don’t waste your life

What kind of doing is ok?

8/16/22

Blessed tiredness from a day of exertion

Blissful thoughts from a day in nature

Bountiful feelings from a day with no distractions

Focusing in on what’s in front of me

Being curious about what’s inside of me

Opening up to what I could be

Making space for more of me

8/17/22

Inside walls I am 2 dimensional

Outside I become whole, solid, complex

Inside I am reduced to being a productive robot

Outside I let go of the small stuff and see the bigger picture

Inside I shrink

Outside I grow

Inside there is decay and death

Outside is bursting with life

What am I creating?

What am I improving?

How am I cherishing and supporting the earth?

Where do I belong?

Who can I help heal?

What should I focus on?

Am I doing enough?

Will I ever know?

8/18/22

Butterflies, some lazily gliding by

Others hurriedly flapping their wings late to an appointment

Water bubbles – a force fed fountain that adds an unnaturally regular flow

Birds converse high in the tree easier to catch the few drafts blowing by

Car, plans and footsteps intrude on my reverie

The wind picks up and scatters leaves

Brings welcome relief

8/19/22

Friday morning

Hot coffee and croissant

Cozy bed

Foggy and cool outside

Sleeping in

A good book to read

Anticipating vacation

New haircut

Quiet house

Love

Amazing how differently lives can turn out

How one path can lead someone in a totally different direction

You never know when your path will diverge

So you need to enjoy where you are now and be ready to adjust

When changes happen so you can be open to what is new

The day before

Packing

Planning

Last minute errands

Hugs

Kisses

Excitement in the air

Deciding what is essential

Letting go of the extraneous

Take a deep breath 

And go!