Contemplation at Bodega Bay

I headed out for a three day camping trip at Bodega Bay and decided to take the long way via highway 1. My sister very kindly let me use her sprinter van so that I could see what it was like to camp in a slightly more luxurious style, something that I think I will be very grateful for at night when it gets very chilly at the coast. My first stop was at Stinson Beach, and since I was hungry, I stopped at the little bakery counter and got myself a ham and egg open faced croissant, which was just amazing, and a cinnamon sugar donut which has to have been the moistest, sweetest thing I’ve ever had (I guess cutting down in my sugar consumption makes sugary treats even sweeter) I went for a long walk on the beach, because of erosion from the storms during the winter most of the stairways and ramps to the beach are closed off, so I navigated down the sand dunes. Being a Wednesday in springtime outside of school vacations there were very few people on the beach, in fact at one point I think I could only see one other person. I have never seen Stinson like this before! After enjoying my stroll I headed back to the van and had a zoom call with my co-commissioner for an upcoming JNE investigation. Then I was back on the road – I love traveling in the middle of the day midweek because there are so few other cars on the road. Being in a large van that isn’t very zippy, I was concerned I’d be having to pull out constantly for cars piling up behind me, but there was rarely anyone else on the road. The fact that I learned to drive a large van on the windy Shoreline Highway probably meant that I was going faster than most folks who have rented camper vans and are unfamiliar with the coastal roads. There were lots of wildflowers and the hills were green, green green. I passed sheep and cows, and even a few deer grazing at the side of the road. I stopped briefly in Tomales and got a locally made lip balm as I had forgotten to bring my chapstick, then it was onto Bodega Bay, where my first stop was the Spud Point Crab Company. I could not wait to get some of their New England style clam chowder! Once I picked that up along with some potato sala I drove out to the beach. It was pretty windy, so I decided to stay in the van and eat, which was probably a good thing considering the noises I was making as I devoured the clam chowder. It doesn’t matter how many times I have it, it is just the most delicious chowder I have EVER had.

I’m reading a book called Fat Girls Hiking, written by a woman who started a whole bunch of groups around the US and Canada for fat women who like to hike or who are interested in hiking and being outdoors. As someone who has felt down on myself often about my weight, often pegging a lot of my self-esteem to how I look, this book has been a wonderful revelation. I haven’t let my size stop me from getting out and hiking and camping and doing other kind of outdoor adventures, but I am often self-conscious about it, especially on some of the more challenging hikes when I am huffing and puffing and I feel like I am being judged by others who are thinner and possibly more in shape than I am. My hiking buddies have never made me feel this way, but since I am usually the slowest one, I get those negative feelings about myself. This book has been such a positive reinforcement of the importance of getting out in the outdoors and being yourself. It’s also got a chapter on Van-life, something that I have definitely been interested in and it’s great to hear from non-traditional folks who are participating in van life, be they fat girls, queer folk, people of color, or anyone who isn’t thought of as part of that lifestyle. There are also great profiles of some of the women who are part of the fat girls hiking community. I’m thankful there are people like Summer, the woman who started Fat Girls Hiking and wrote the book and put this wonderful resource out there.

I’m sitting here at the beach right now, I found a little cove all to myself, and it’s lovely. I find when I just sit and stare out at the waves my thoughts get bigger and bolder, and I’m excited about all the different possibilities there could be in my future – getting a PhD, going to work for a sustainability oriented business, getting out and traveling around on my own whether it’s with the gratitude tour or not, doing more work away experiences, helping nonprofits using the skills I’ve gained through my experience and masters program. So much whizzing around and it’s all so exciting. 

When I start to look closer to where I’m sitting, at the driftwood and shells and sand and focusing in on them, I can just feel that expansiveness kind of shutting down, and I move into doing mode – wanting to collect them or categorize them into something. And then I start thinking about when I should head to the campground, what I’m gonna do there and then what I’ll do later and tomorrow etc. That’s part of why I started writing this blog post because I started to focus on doing. But I like the expansiveness of the ocean, lulling myself into possibility – what could be, what excites me, what I want. I need to do a little more of that before I get myself dragged down into the things I think I need to do, because sometimes the things I need to do are just things to keep me busy, they aren’t getting me where I need to go because I’m still working that out. Whew! Time to get out of my brain.

I made some nature art at the beach, then went to the campground to check in. It is much easier to get set up in a camper van! I backed in, took out my camp chair and a snack and I was done! I could get used to this. Because it didn’t take me long to get set up, I decided to go for a walk to the beach near the campground. It was even less crowded than Stinson was and a wonderful place to relax and listen to the waves. After that I came back, set up my bed, started a fire and made dinner. I am looking forward to reading and then going to bed. I decided that tomorrow I am going to have a contemplative day, no using my phone, no reading, just sitting or walking and meditating. It will be interesting to see how it goes