Beautiful Benicia, Introspection About Accomplishments

I’ve spent most of this week housesitting for a friend in Benicia. It’s been a perfect place to enjoy the sunny weather that we’ve had, I have a beautiful view of the Carquinez Strait, it’s a lovely spot especially for enjoying sunrises and sunsets. I’ve been reading, writing, collaging, going for walks around the neighborhood and doing career related research.

What came up for me in my journaling this morning:

I see myself seduced by the positive feeling of productivity in my routine – Wordle ✔️, journaling ✔️, Duolingo ✔️, walk ✔️, taiko practice ✔️, yoga ✔️, something from my list of career related activities ✔️. If I have done those things, I feel like I made good use of my time – that it wasn’t wasted and I had a productive day. But are those the days I will remember and cherish? Are they the days that make me leap out of bed excited about what’s to come? No – even though I feel like I’ve done something with my day, they all bleed into one. There is nothing wrong with getting things done, but I don’t want every day to be about just accomplishing things. While I enjoy doing all of these things, because I feel compelled to do them every day they sometimes become tasks I have to get through so I can get to the next thing and the ultimate goal becomes the feeling of accomplishment from how many things I can get done. Getting a lot done means I’m doing the right thing. I don’t like this doing for the sake of doing – that is the treadmill I’m trying to get off.  I want to wake up to a blank slate and not be scared of that blank slate, to be excited that there is no plan, to allow myself to feel into what I want to do, see where it takes me. It is often the times I’ve wandered off the path that I’ve discovered delights, enchantment, fascination, beauty. So the question is – Can I put aside the security of my routine more often? Even if it means breaking a step or Wordle or Duolingo streak – gasp!