Finding My Way

It has been a chilly week, I think this is the coldest, rainiest and snowiest winter that we’ve had in the Bay Area in a long, long time. I’ve been getting out for a couple of walks a day, the first one in the morning is always very cold, but also a refreshing way to start the day. Otherwise I’ve been at home doing career exploration work and reading.

Yesterday I did a an intuitive session, something I have only done one other time before. I am struggling with a lot of feelings of fear and anxiety about this transitional time in my life. Also feeling guilty about having those feelings because I chose to do this. So I decided it would be good to get out of my logical brain bent on finding the answer to what’s next for me. And I am so glad that I did it, Gina gave me some great insights and above all, helped me give myself permission to take the time I need right now. 

I went into my time off with certain expectations of how it was going to go, what I was going to do. I envisioned myself with all this free time to figure out what is next for me. I did have a lot of free time and I still do but I didn’t want to focus on it, at least in a linear way, instead I spent that time getting out and doing things I hadn’t had as much time for before – hiking, exploring, reading and taking things at a slower pace. I think in the back of my mind I had the ideas that in 6 months or so I’d have a good idea what I wanted to do and how to pursue it, maybe even already looking for a job. 6 months seems like such a huge amount of time to take off work but now that I’m 7 months in I’m not any closer to how I was in the beginning. Well that’s not totally true, I know the areas I’m interested in but don’t know how to get there or what exactly I want to do in those areas.

I’m dealing with fear that I haven’t got enough to show for my time spent, that I need to have tangible evidence that I am making good use of my time. But I also know that going for walks with my mom is a good use of my time, getting back into doing yoga regularly is a good use of my time, reading a wide range of books is a good use of my time, practicing Taiko drumming is a good use of my time, getting enough sleep is a good use of my time. Somehow time moves differently right now. When I have a list of things to do and set myself to getting stuff done, I seem to have enough time to do it, but when I don’t have a list, when I’ve just got some ideas of what I want to do and I don’t sit down to specifically work on something time just goes so fast. I feel like I’m not “accomplishing“ anything. 

But this is my time to explore things in a different way – to be more heart focused instead of head focused, which is really hard for me to do. But I don’t want to rush through this, just to get to the security of an answer because part of what I’m looking for is experiencing life in a different way, doing things in a different way. It makes me think of when I did the Avon 3-day walks, 20 miles of walking a day and especially in the last half of each day’s walk I would just want to get to the end. I would be worried that if I slowed down too much, say to stop for a while at a rest stop or chat with other people or whatever, anything that got me off my consistent pace, I was worried I would become too tired and I wouldn’t be able to make it to the end of that day or I would be too worn out to walk the next day. This often meant I got into camp relatively early and would have plenty of time to rest and cheer people in as they arrived but I felt like I missed something by not taking it slower and stopping to talk to the people who were volunteering and find out why they were giving their time. So I don’t want to do the same thing here – to rush through because I am worried about what’s coming up next for me. I want to trust that it will become clear even if I’m just not sure how it will happen. Part of this is experimentation to see where my path is leading, maybe I will have lots of parts of the path that go nowhere, that’s OK. It doesn’t mean I’ve failed or done anything wrong. I have to remember the authors that I’ve heard speak who all talked about at least one book, if not many more, that they have written that never got published, or they abandoned partway through or scrapped at the very end. They all said, ‘I learned from that experience’ and that’s what I’m doing here – I’m learning and I need to keep telling myself that it’s not just about being productive and ticking boxes and getting things done. I’m trying to figure out a new way of living and I think it’s going to be an evolving thing, but I want to cherish and enjoy the time I have now. Like when my kids were little, really trying to just enjoy the good things that happened and not let the bad things get to me too much and to give myself a break. Taking breaks definitely made me a much better parent – it helped me recognize the kids were always growing and changing so I was never going to be able to go back and re-experience some things. And that’s how it is now – some days feel more positive and energetic and exciting and other days feel flatter and blah or challenging. 

I’m not used to finding my way in the fog. So much of what I’ve done in my life so far there have been answers or models or things I could look at and use as a guide or starting point. It’s all new forging a different path. And it’s OK to take this time to see what happens.