It’s been a good couple of weeks. I met my friend Heather and her puppy Miloh for a walk in their neighborhood. It was so wonderful to be around that enthusiastic puppy energy! One afternoon I spent time catching up with Emmy and Winston and getting a little Christmas shopping done. Later I drove over to Village Community Resource Center to attend the final board meeting of the year. I’m serving on the Community Advisory Council and we were all invited to the December meeting. It was fantastic to catch up with folks that I have not seen in about six months and to see all the positive changes at the center. I was treated to the sight of an absolutely gorgeous sunset on my drive from Concord to Pittsburg.
I looked after a couple of sweet kitties for a couple of mornings and got to wander around their neighborhood. I found a free little library that had the book What’s Happening To Me? This was a classic 1970s book that I’m pretty sure almost every family had along with Where Did I Come From? by the same author. I found more books to read and picked some gorgeous lemons from the owners very full lemon tree. I made lemon bread with them later in the day, something I have not done in a couple of years, it was delicious.
I spent a couple of days in LA for my State Bar commission meeting, only two more left after this. I can’t believe it’s almost over. I’m really glad I took on this very intense volunteer position, I’m especially grateful for all the wonderful people that I’ve been able to work with over the years. We had our annual holiday white elephant gift exchange. I ended up getting what people sitting around me called ‘the murder kit!’ It’s actually an emergency kit with all kinds of goodies like a foldable shovel, knives, emergency tent and a lot more. It’s really cool!
This last Sunday I went to the Golden Gate Symphony’s Sing-along Messiah with one of my sisters, Lori. This is my third time going to this Messiah in Benicia. It was great to get to sing in community, though the way they set it up this time did not seem to work as well, and we didn’t sing Christmas carols at the end. Not sure why they decided not to do it as they were listed in the program. Anyway, it was still a wonderful holiday treat. I checked out the Benicia art gallery that was in the old Commander‘s house nearby.
I decided it was time to do another 12 hour walk day, though because it was winter time I didn’t want to be outside for 12 hours, but I got in a good solid 10 1/2 hours. I drove up Mount Tam and hiked to the West Point Inn. We’ve had such cold, overcast days for weeks, so I made sure that I had lots of layers, but just before I reached the parking area my windshield fogged over, which was really strange. I realized why when I got out of the car and stepped out to a warm spring morning! I immediately shed a few layers and left some of the extra clothes I was going to bring in the car. By the time I finished the 2 mile hike on the fire road up to the Inn I was sweating and down to a single layer, and really wishing I had worn lighter pants! The Inn was high above the fog and clouds, and it was like looking at an ocean with wave after wave of clouds rolling by. I realized that Tuesday morning is a fantastic time to go up there because the only person who can stay on Monday night is the innkeeper. I had the deck to myself and enjoyed time to absorb the view and think about where I want to go with my life. It has been over three years since I’ve done one of these all day walk contemplations, and I decided I need to do it on a more regular basis, at least twice a year if not quarterly. It just felt so good to let my mind wander over all different kinds of things and not have any time restrictions.
I headed up to East Peak, meeting the caretakers wife who was dropping off their adorable one year-old Australian Shepherd for him to look after since she already had three grandchildren to keep busy at home. By the time I got to the top all of the clouds and fog had cleared away and the view was fantastic! There weren’t many people on the trails so that was heaven. After having lunch at WPI I headed down towards the double bowknot. At that point it was getting really warm and I did not want to have to trudge back up in the heat. I rested under the shade of a tree for a while which felt heavenly, then watched the clouds go by. I definitely need to do this more often! I headed back to my car making a brief stop to use the facilities at WPI – there were already a half a dozen people waiting to check in for their stay, I was glad I had gotten there early when it was so quiet and peaceful.
My next stop was Stinson Beach. I loaded a few more layers in my backpack as it was getting foggy there and the sun was going down soon, so I knew the temperatures would plummet. I watched a guy making sand art with a rake then watched and listened to the waves. I headed out after the sunset, the fog was too heavy to be able to see much from the beach, but when I was up higher on the bluffs it was gorgeous. I got home feeling rested and rejuvenated with a little more clarity on where I am going. I slept very well that night having hiked over 14 miles.
I’ve spent this week working, job hunting and also assisting the VCRC ED with a couple of reports he wasn’t experienced with. It rained on Wednesday morning, I had a lovely walk in the rain and later saw a vibrant rainbow! I created some gratitude journals for stocking stuffers, that was an enjoyable and absorbing activity.
On Thursday Emmy and I met at Union Square, we had a great time checking out all the beautiful Christmas decorations and fawning over the adorable kittens and puppies in the Macy’s windows. We saw a guy who dressed all five of his dogs up for a Christmas photo and amazingly they all sat still for the photo. It was so impressive, and completely adorable! We marveled over the beautiful sugar castle at the Westin Hotel, sipped yummy holiday cocktails, and had a delicious dinner at E and O Kitchen. The portions were huge, something we did not expect and the food was delicious. Oh yeah, there was the usual drag queen Christmas caroling too! A great holiday evening.
Here’s a little of what I journaled about on my long walk day: Thick covering of clouds, maybe fog too, at times obscuring everything. Looks like a dark floating mountain with white waves flowing past. When it clears a bit I can see Richardson Bay and the top of Salesforce Tower, the rest of the city is ensconced in the thick fog. Now it’s clearing more- I can see the ocean and hills around the mountain. I feel like this weather is similar to how my brain has been – sometimes completely cloudy, everything is covered up and unclear, no visible pattern paths for landmarks. It’s a beauty of its own kind, ethereal but unknowable. A place for contemplation, wonder and magic. It scares me though that I’ll be there too long and unable to do what needs to be done in my day-to-day practical life or that I won’t want to do any of it, and I’ll be dragged under feeling depressed and incapable. Then the clouds start to dissipate, I can see the landmarks, trees, houses, and now the Bay Bridge is in view and more of the city. I have a sense of where I am, who I am, what I can do. I feel more sure of myself, positive about the future, of what I am capable of. There are still fuzzy areas – mainly questions about fears I am willing to face, what I can try, experiments I can do, questions I can ask others and myself. That’s why I’m here today to let my mind wander to those things that I am unsure about, to think about which direction to turn at this point in my life. I’ve been here a few times during my gap year journey. I wonder if I should buckle down and look for steady work, full-time or close to it, or do I continue to wander and explore, using the income I bring in now and looking for other short-term opportunities? Am I just putting off going back to a world that feels so limiting to me? A world I don’t want to be in full-time? But I’m also feeling that what I’m doing right now is not enough both financially and intellectually. I want to grow and learn more, take on new challenges. But I don’t want a job that feels like it’s all on me, that there won’t be someone to mentor me or someone I can learn from. In a way I have too many choices and that makes it hard to decide what to focus on. Like the clouds, it’s always changing, sometimes clearer, sometimes not. Something happens and I am feeling really good about life, then there’s a change and I’m down and lost and unsure. Would I have stayed at CCCBA if I knew this is where I would be now? Nope. Even if I never earned as much as I did before or even close to it, I needed to go. Did I think I’d have everything figured out by now and be established in a new career? Yes. That’s where I’m feeling like a failure, like I haven’t been doing enough, that coupled with looking regularly for more paid work and that being an up-and-down thing. The jobs are often ones that I feel I could do, but I don’t want to do. I’ve been able to take care of myself financially because my expenses are very low. Still a lot to figure out.
Change, when it comes, cracks everything open. Dorothy Allison.