Oh, those feelings of guilt are coming back. It’s a Tuesday – I should be working. I should be doing something productive, either earning money or learning something or working on my book, something to make forward progress. Maybe that’s what I’m actually doing. I’m out for a walk on a Tuesday morning while other people are busy working. This is me finding my way or as I’ve been saying to myself over and over – Do what I want to do first and then fit in paid work around that. I’m finding ways to live on the least amount I need so I can have this free time and flexibility. But that work ethic pushes on me. Shouldn’t I want to get ahead? It’s not like I’m sitting around zoning out in front of the TV. I’m out here taking care of my body, enjoying nature, doing something I love. So why do I feel like I should be sitting in front of a computer working? How is that better for me or the community or the world? Why isn’t it enough to just move at my own pace and do these things that I love? I’m paying my bills, saving for retirement. Yes, I didn’t spend the morning being productive, but I’m going to do work this afternoon. I’m going to do work tomorrow. I want people to be OK with what I’m doing. I don’t want them to think of me as lazy, as not having ambition, but actually do I even care if I have ambition or not? And what does ambition mean? Does it mean always striving for whatever seems to be the next step up? I don’t even know what that would be for me. Taking on more responsibility, being more of a leader? Maybe I’m being a leader in a different way by showing others they can have a life where they’re not working all the time, being overburdened by stress, where they can be out in nature, enjoying this beauty – even on a Tuesday morning! Am I trying to convince myself of this, to make it OK to justify what I’m doing? I don’t know, but this is my opportunity to be out here. I guess this is about learning to be okay with doing things the way I want to do them and not follow others arbitrary rules. It’s one thing if a family member or a friend needs me to do something at a specific time or I’ve got a work deadline. Then I’m there 100%, but if it’s not imperative that it gets done right now, I’ll follow my own rhythm.
These feelings all came up as I was at the end of a short, but wonderful camping trip with one of my sisters. We hiked, ate good food, enjoyed lovely fires (and s’mores of course), walked on a windy, foggy beach, read and just enjoyed each other’s company. Life should be full of as many of these experiences as possible.
