It’s been a couple of weeks of ups and downs. One day when Mom and I were running errands she fell hard, knocking herself out briefly. The staff at the nursery we were outside of were wonderful and an ambulance arrived quickly.
We spent the afternoon and evening in the emergency department. Even though she had lots of scrapes and contusions and the X-ray showed fractures on her cheek and nose she had very little pain and was even complimenting the EMT student about his curly hair! She has bounced back incredibly fast and except for her face changing color every few days you wouldn’t know she’d hurt herself. Visits to the dentist, GP and plastic surgeon all had the same outcome – no cause for concern or any work to be done. Amazing!
My sisters all rotated through the week or so after Mom fell. It was great to spend time with each of them and it also gave me an opportunity to head out to the beach a couple times, one day to Stinson and another to Tennessee Valley.
Besides work and doing some writing, I spent time on creating nature art with the shells, stones and other collected nature items I had in my room.
I had a quick trip down to LA for my JNE meeting, where we said goodbye to the ‘3Ls’, the commissioners who finished their third and final year on the commission. My class and I all marveled at how we were now going to be the big kids on the commission! I took an early flight home on Saturday because I needed to go to Sea Ranch for my sister Nata‘s wedding!
Luckily, my flight got in on time which allowed me to be able to stop in Bodega Bay for clam chowder from Spud Point and go for a walk. Then it was on to Gualala to see the family before the wedding and finally the Sea Ranch chapel. What an absolutely gorgeous place for a wedding! The drizzly weather didn’t dampen anyone’s spirits. The ceremony was so touching, full of love, honesty and humor. We had a delicious dinner in Bodega Bay then headed home. Whew, what a day!
Since then, I’ve been recovering, doing work and projects and getting out for some walks. I found a notebook where I had made short entries every day in the months leading up to my taking time off from work. It was fascinating to look back at the sort of things that were going on in my mind at that time. Some of the questions are still with me today, they seem to cycle through on a regular basis. But I can also see how I have changed and gained confidence in myself since that time.
5/26/22
Relax and Savor
This is a challenge for me
Always onto the next thing to do
And then I’m wiped out and haven’t enjoyed the fruits of my labor
Relax and Savor
Other people – just be, you don’t have to always be doing
Celebrate
Don’t hide away to read and eat where it is quiet and safe
Relax and Savor
Let your bones feel it
Savor the rest
The hard work
The inspiration
The curiosity
The courage
The sweat & love
Savor all you have been blessed with and what it provides others
Then relax so you can do the next thing, happily
6/16/22
When I allow myself to listen to and feel those negative emotions inside
I see the bubbling turmoil just below the surface
It threatens to grab me and pull me under
The more I try to push it down and ignore it, seal it over with happy, positive, grateful thoughts and the occasional twist of exasperation that I don’t see how good I’ve got it
The more the tumult increased and threatens to capsize my boat
When I let go and allow the vault to open it comes rushing out
Only to evaporate and shrink in the sunlight
Because once exposed and given birth
It no longer continues to grow and expand
It has been acknowledged, which is all it ever needed
And now it can relax and become one of many feelings that just exist
It no longer needs to force its way into consciousness
It’s just one of the family, a part of me not more or less worthy than any other
6/22/22
Change always involves loss – even if it is things you want to get rid of
Loss of routines
- Comforts
- Assured certainty
- Friendship
- Security
Change creates confusion
- Backtracking
- False starts
- Pressure
- Fear
But wading through the morass will again bring
- Joy
- Energy
- Growth
- Strength
Every small step forward is progress
Hell, even a sideways step means you are moving in a different direction
You can’t go backwards as the walls close behind you once you move on
You are never the same person you were the day before
How much do I go with the flow and see what happens and how much do I push and pull and grasp?
How will I know what is right for me when right now all is confusion?