Allowing Myself Freedom

This morning I did a much needed body scan meditation – discovering some tension in the back of my neck and little bits in other parts of my body. When it got to the hips, thighs and belly I felt repelled by my ‘problem areas’, ones that I feel I need to reduce because they are too big and ugly. As I thought about that reaction, it came to me that I felt that way a lot more recently because I was in a much colder climate and wearing a ski jacket that no longer fit me well – it was tight in that part of my body and I did not like how I looked. I haven’t enjoyed shopping because I can’t find clothes that fit me and that makes me feel ashamed of my body. But does that actually say anything about me? Or is it because those clothes are created for a certain body type and that is not how my body is shaped? My body shape doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with me. 

My body has done many amazing things for me – particularly that area of my body. It has grown and birthed three children. My strong thighs have taken me on hundreds of miles of walks in beautiful nature, run marathons and half marathons, hiked half dome and other amazing places. My stomach has provided the nourishment I’ve needed. My lap has held babies and toddlers and bigger kids. My body has allowed me to enjoy sex and to be strong and steady. I have stayed remarkably healthy over these 56 years of my life, and a lot of that is due to those ‘problem areas’ of my body. I want to embrace and love my body exactly as it is RIGHT NOW, not wait for some future date when it might look ‘better’. Ok, rant done!

I took myself out to the Hayden Arch walk, which ends at the bottom of the Buffalo Bill Dam. I did this walk when I was here in 2023 and wanted to see what it was like in the winter time. It was much quieter than the last time – I only ran into a few other people walking their dogs. And it was just as gorgeous as before, the water seemed to be an even more beautiful shade of green. Saw some bunny tracks in the snow!

I like the trail between the lower two houses because it is soft earth, it meanders which makes it interesting, it’s flat so I don’t have to work very hard. It’s away from the houses, so an offers a bit of solitude, even though I can hear traffic noise. It just has a very peaceful way about it, wandering through the grasses and the sagebrush. I have memories from when I was here before watching the flowering cactus, this was often the start and end of my hikes back to the house. It’s just a lovely, peaceful setting.

It’s warmed up the last two days, well at least it feels warm to me now that the high is 38°! As I write this I’m sitting on my back porch with the sun on my back, a light breeze moving past. The loudest sound I hear are birds swooping past, it is such a treat to be this close to nature. I’ve seen the local bunny rabbit every day since I’ve been here and was able to take a short video of it chewing on a twig yesterday. It was not at all bothered that I was only a few feet away. Such a cool experience! 

I haven’t driven anywhere the last two days just enjoyed being on property, getting out on some short hikes (including one at sunrise- very cold!) and just sitting in front of my picture window, writing, reading and enjoying the view. 

I have things that I want to get done each day and I’ve been helping out a bit giving feedback on the center’s website and this morning helping with a preschool program which brought back memories from my time at Creative Play with my kids. I’m trying to keep my schedule as open and flexible as I can and just follow what my body, mind and soul want to do. When I was out on a hike yesterday I found I was resisting the idea of doing some writing when I returned, something that I had planned. I tried first to convince myself that once I got started it would be fine and I needed to put time into my book while I have this freedom. That didn’t help, it just made me resist even more so I decided to let go and gave myself permission not to do anything else for the rest of the day. That led to a more relaxed and joyous hike and in the end, I did feel like doing some writing. Maybe I can trust myself more than I realize.

I read a poem the other day having to do with women and nature and wildness, and while many parts of the poem called to me, I found I was having a really strong reaction to parts of the poem that mentioned talked about women in relation to fire or fiery or anything that sounded at all explosive or angry, I just didn’t want to think about it. It was a really strong reaction, which surprised me. The words felt too harsh and destructive – like when my anger takes over and I lose control. Does this mean that I need to embrace this part of myself – the one that has often gotten me into trouble? The part that I felt ashamed of that arises unexpectedly from deep within, and I respond without thinking or hesitation – could this be my authentic self coming through a small opening it has found? A part of me that’s been suppressed because it’s not nice or kind and seems unhinged and that makes people uncomfortable and possibly have to confront their own issues? It appears when I feel I’m being attacked unjustly. I can’t respond calmly. The fight comes out and I’m ashamed, but I can’t seem to stop it. It is out before I even realize it has risen. It bites, goes right to the point, illuminating what’s wrong, what others cannot see or are avoiding. It is impolite and raw, not covered by social graces or innuendo. It shows the truth without varnish or sweetness. I feel the emotions arise – they jump out of my mouth – then there is silence and I’m exhausted by the effort, from what I realize afterwards was an internal struggle to keep it inside. Those times I do succeed in tamping it down, not expressing it outwardly, it explodes internally and leads to depression and despair, heartache over not being true to myself. Is there a place in between that will not destroy either my outer or inner world?