Ramblings

I haven’t had space emotionally or time wise to figure out what’s next. I often am so tired and just want to do things that make me feel better – though some of them just make me more tired and unsure of myself! I don’t want it to be that I have to completely step out of my life to find a path forward. 

There is a lot I can’t control, but I can control how I spend my free time, how I treat others, how I treat myself. What am I searching for? Where am I trying to go? What is my larger goal? Do I even have one?

Doing one thing different is energizing and now I am making steps to try new things, find new paths. Create a mission for myself – what is my own vision of the future? Where do I want to orient my life? What is important to me? Make sure how I spend my time and money is oriented toward what is actually important to me. Recognizing how impermanent things are, let go of wanting more things or life needing to be a certain way. Make my own changes, put myself in challenging or uncomfortable situations, but at the same time also giving myself a break, dont keep pushing all the time. Allow things to happen.

What are ways that I can make my life easier? No, not easier, to let go of some of those comforts that are holding me back. Maybe I am not fully living my life because I’m just swaddling myself in comfort all the time. I was thinking about this as I drove home the other day and I would get bored with what I was listening to or a little too hot or a little too cold and want to eat something, even though I wasn’t hungry. I’m in a comfortable car that is reliable, I don’t have to be out in the cold weather to get where I need to go. I don’t have to take public transportation and be dealing with the noises and smells of other people. I have so much comfort and yet I’m dissatisfied because it’s not perfectly the way I want it to be. I don’t want those things to matter so much. 

What if instead of getting all my work done first before doing other things that I want to do, I do those things first and then I do my work? Maybe I will end up having to stay up a little bit later or get up earlier or not do it 100% correct but only 90%. Is that going to matter? Will anyone even notice? I will have been spending my time in the way I want to. Maybe I need to more often ask for extra time to get things done instead of giving away my life and the time that is most productive for me to something that is really not that important in the end. Maybe by giving myself to space to do what I want first I can more easily get through what I have to do later, and in the end I’m actually saving myself time and I’m happier as I’m filled up with what I need first. Try to be a little less responsible might make it easier for me to get started. I wonder how often I’m just so depleted I don’t even end up doing those things that I want to do when my work is done.

2 responses to “Ramblings”

  1. Happy Thanksgiving dear friend! This post resonates with me. I love the honesty and vulnerability. You’ll figure it out. I believe in you and the journey you’re on.

    • Stace
      Thank you. That means so much to me. So glad I have had your friendship for so many years!