On Saturday I got to have a quiet morning hanging out with Annemarie and then we met up with my sister Lisa, for lunch, at Restoration Hardware of all places! There’s a large store in one of the malls in Corte Madera with a restaurant on the third floor. It’s high enough up that you can’t see the mall that’s right in front of it and all you get is an absolutely gorgeous view of Mount Tam. It was perfect weather to be in the semi outdoors – the restaurant is a large atrium with walls on the sides, with one open to the view of the mountain. Crystal chandeliers hang from the glass ceiling. It’s set up in a way that each dining space feels private yet you still get a great view. The food was yummy if overpriced. After that, I took Annemarie back to the East Bay where she’s going to spend the next few days. That night Mom and I caught up on Call the Midwife.
On Sunday, I had the second part of my nature collaging workshop. This time we were taking our assembled collages and applying paint to them. I knew this was going to be challenging for me as I have never enjoyed painting. It’s just not something that feels natural for me and I have almost never been happy with any kind of painting that I’ve done. I think that’s why I like collage so much because I can take all kinds of different things and rearrange them however I want until I get a composition I like, whereas with painting it feels like I put paint down and I don’t like it and it’s hard for me to change it. I did enjoy the first part where we were using acrylic ink, which, when combined with water, flowed and created beautiful patterns and shapes as it interacted with the natural material on our collages. I still had trouble deciding which colors I wanted to use, I think if I had an extra couple of hours just to experiment with mixing colors together it might’ve worked out more to my liking. When it came to applying acrylic paint I was stuck. I just couldn’t figure out what colors would work. I was scared to mess up what I already had knowing that the acrylic paint was a lot harder to remove because it dries so quickly. I started having those same insecure feelings I often had in art class as a kid since I wasn’t good at drawing or painting. The instructor helped me out a bit, but again I think I just needed a lot more time to play and get comfortable. In the end, the piece I was most happy with was the one that I only used the acrylic ink on – the flow of the colors with the natural material felt really good and it’s a vibrant happy piece.
I left feeling down for much of the rest of the day and strangely emotionally wiped out. I wasn’t necessarily beating myself up about what I made, although I did feel disappointed. I spent time reading the book I had started last week about race conversations in America, and became so absorbed in it I was able to let go of some of those feelings of failure. It was an early evening to bed, as I needed some extra nurturing.
I got up on Monday determined to move my body more to see if that would help. So I put on my hiking shoes and headed up the Laurel Trail. It ended up being just the right thing, a good workout and a beautiful spot, I saw lots of wildflowers and loved how overgrown the trail was because of all the rain that we’ve had the last couple of months. I’ve started running a bit most mornings (after warming up with a walk) so I decided to slowly run back down the trail, which helped to keep my heart rate up and felt really good.
Later, I walked into Mill Valley and met Mom at the bank where we were trying to figure out some stuff about credit reports. After that we stopped in Safeway to do a bit of shopping. They are remodeling the store, so things are in different areas, and there are several spaces where there are temporary rolling racks full of groceries. I feel for the employees, it must be challenging to learn a changing layout all the time, and of course, the customers are constantly asking where things are. They were all very friendly and helpful when we were there. I spent the afternoon doing some job searching and other research as well as some work for the JNE commission.
I’m feeling torn in many directions right now. There are so many things I’m interested in and want to learn more about, so many career ideas and options, so many things I want to do and places I want to explore. I have tons of different tabs open on both my laptop and phone browsers and a stack of books from the library or that I’ve borrowed from other people (as well as some virtual books). i’m finding it so hard to narrow things down. How do I choose? What should I focus on? In someways, I like the messiness and mystery of where my life is right now, I feel so much more open to possibility, and having all these disparate ideas and possibilities in my head feels like I am able to create new connections. I’m not sure, it’s hard to explain. But it also makes it very challenging to figure out a way to bring in some income. I’m usually such a linear person, it’s a very different experience for me to be juggling all of this uncertainty. I think I talked before about being comfortable in the uncomfortable, which I am trying very hard to be. But I also realize I need to start creating more of a path forward for myself.