Had a quiet 4th hanging out with Margot and reading. That night I heard lots of fireworks and from the front door saw the light show on Sutro Tower-very cool effects from the fog. The next morning I walked around the reservoir and passed a San Francisco Water Department truck blaring classical music with a smiling worker humming nearby. Love it!
I’ve been really tired the last two days, my sleep has been a little broken, a few times I just dozed off even though I was reading a book I was very interested in. My body just feels tired and walking up hills has been more challenging than usual. I don’t feel like I’ve got a cold, it’s more of a blah feeling. I have been wanting to be in better touch with my feelings, and maybe this is just the way it is sometimes and I need to go with the flow and rest if I’m tired. Why does it seem like it’s easier to do things that other people want done then to try to follow my own heart? Or maybe it’s that I’m not really sure what the next steps are for some of these things I’m interested in doing so that’s causing me to stop because I don’t know what the heck I’m doing. I think the big thing I need to tell myself is it’s OK to feel discouraged, unsure, tired or frustrated and it doesn’t mean I’m doing anything wrong, it’s just part of the process. Be a little easier on myself but also do something, take some action, don’t just sit there.
To get out of my funk I walked on the Laurel Trail, a forested area behind the streets in the neighborhood. It’s pretty much a straight up and then straight down hike but it is lovely and green. I heard lots of birds, saw blackberries flowering, they probably won’t be ready to be picked until late August because they don’t get a ton of sunlight here. I passed a guy walking with his dog who was wearing two little booties on his back legs. Apparently she had ripped a toenail off so he got her the booties to protect her feet and she’s getting used to hiking in them. She’s 15 years old and has a bit of dementia so he has to keep directing her where to go. It was so sweet. She seemed as happy as we were to be out in this beautiful spot.
Walking in nature helps improve my mood and energy level, it is wonderful to be in a green space that feels safe and is quiet (well quiet as in no man-made noises, but plenty of wonderful nature noises.) I need to remember to do this when I am dealing with these feelings of doubt and insecurity. Maybe some of this has to do with my birthday the other day. I’m 55, what am I doing? What’s coming up next? Why haven’t I figured it out yet?
During this year I’ve been questioning so many of the assumptions of what my life should look like, what I should be doing, and what I am working for. It’s very challenging emptying out and examining these assumptions. I often feel like I am healing backwards, finding rooms inside me that I wasn’t aware of. Sometimes I think I’ve gotten down to the core of things and then realize it’s only what’s covering the top of a whole bunch of other stuff that goes much deeper. It’s so hard to know what is true for me, versus these things that I’ve been told implicitly and explicitly my whole life. And I wonder if I am going too deep into my own introspection – would it be better to take more action? How much do I rely on my emotions or a sixth sense to guide me? In my efforts to figure it out I have talked to people, watched YouTube videos (lots of Ted talks!), listened to podcasts, taken classes, read so many books. There are some things that ring true to me. But sometimes I wonder how many of those things are just the easy way – there’s so much advice about going with the flow – do what feels right. How do you know when to push and when to let go?
Apologies that this post has been full of all kinds of ramblings!