Background to my journey
I realized about a year ago that it was time for me to move on, that I was ready and needed to do something different. So I started talking to career counselors, doing career testing, looking at positions that were posted on job sites to see if I could figure out what was next for me. I found a few positions that interested me, did some interviews, decided not to go further in the interview process with one position when I realized it wasn’t what I wanted to do.
While all this was happening I was meeting regularly with good friends regularly who provided lot of support and encouragement in my job search. I found the more I pushed myself to spend time searching for a job or figuring out what I wanted in my next career, the less I wanted to actually do the work. Even though I had more free time than ever since my kids were grown and out of the house and I was finished with grad school I just could not get myself motivated. I beat myself up over my lack of motivation, talked to a few different career counselors about their services, but nothing felt right.
Then when an old friend was in town, we got together for coffee and she mentioned that a mutual friend of ours who is a life coach had really helped her deal with some critical life decisions. This was the same person who helped me when I was trying to figure out how to support myself and my kids when I wanted to get divorced. I was dealing with a lot of fears around money as well as the impact of the divorce on my children. She helped me work through those fears and it was amazing how quickly everything came together. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t even thought about reaching out to her!
Our first call was a game changer. I told her about the blocks I was having with looking for a new job. She asked me what I would do if I could do ANYTHING right now. I immediately replied I would leave my job and spend time outdoors, perhaps volunteering on a farm or exploring national parks, going to visit my daughter in New Zealand and just take time to do my own thing at my own pace. Of course the next question was why I wasn’t doing that. That brought me to a period of searching within. I had already saved a good amount of money (not a whole lot to spend money on during a pandemic!), so I knew I could support myself for awhile. I really struggled with feeling irresponsible for quitting a job that paid well for the nonprofit field, where I had a fair amount of autonomy and enjoyed most of the people that I worked with, had a short commute, and enjoyed many aspects of the job. But my heart was no longer in the job and I knew it was time to move on. I needed something different and the organization deserved somebody who was committed.
After deciding I was ready to take the leap, I needed to figure out when. Initially I had been looking at a timeline of a year to a year and a half, because I thought that would be best for the organization and I could ‘hang on’ that long, Hanging on in a job is not a good thing for you or your employer! As I struggled to figure out when I should leave I took a long planned vacation to Joshua Tree National Park. As always when I’m on vacation I’ll let my staff know that I would not be checking my email but if something urgent came up they could text me. For the first time since I had become an Executive Director nothing urgent came up and I had nine days without any contact at work. It was heaven. I was able to let go of the constant to do lists and thinking about what was coming up, what needed fixing, who needed what. I felt so relaxed and realized just how much work consumed me outside of the hours I was in the office and that left me unable to have energy to do more with my life. I was a few months away from turning 54 and no longer wanted to have a job that left me so drained.
I went back to work on Monday and dealt with the usual flood of emails and tasks. On Tuesday morning I called my BOD President and let her know that I was handing in my notice and would be leaving at the end of July. It was really scary – once I said the words out loud to her there was no taking them back. She was wonderfully supportive of my decision, though did ask if there was anything that would change my mind. The next day I told the staff and all the wheels were set in motion.
Not one to do things lightly, I decided to give up my apartment, pack up what I felt I needed to keep Imainly clothes, photos and momentos related to the kids), get rid of almost all of my furniture (which was basically crappy secondhand stuff that I go post divorce). My mom happily agreed to store my stuff and told me that a room was always available if I needed it. Yes, I realize how incredibly lucky and privelged I am to have a parent who could give me that space and love.
So I started planning what I would do after I stopped working. There have definitely been times that I have questioned my sanity for making this kind of move, for giving up security. I have some money saved for retirement but nowhere near enough, I don’t have a retirement pension, I don’t own any property so will not have a mortgage free home that I can live in when I get older. But I have a lot more freedom than I have had at any other time in my life. My kids are grown and able to take care of themselves, two of them bought houses this year and live with their significant others, the third one lives in New Zealand and is part of the reason that I wanted to take this time off, because I could visit her without worrying about work and spend a good amount of time there with her and reacquainting myself with the country I lived in for five years after college. I don’t have a mortgage that needs to be paid, I don’t have a partner to figure into any of this, my mom is healthy and my other sisters are around to be there for her, I am healthy and I don’t know if I’m ever going to get this opportunity again.
My biggest fear was not having the courage to take this leap and then looking back in a few years realizing I missed my chance. Now I don’t know if I’m going to be doing any amazing adventures to crazy places or whatever, I have no illusions that I’m going to start some incredible business that changes the world. If anything, I want to find a way to live my life so that I can take care of myself with out having work consume my life, or doing something that I love so much it doesn’t really feel like work. I want a lot of flexibility in how I spend my time.
It’s not that I don’t have any fears. I worry I’m going to end up living under a bridge, that I won’t be able to take care of myself, feed myself, whatever. But I’m also afraid of just living a life of going through the motions. Living at a four or five is fine some of the time. I’ve lived at a one or two during times in my life, especially in my early 20s. But I want more nines and tens in my life and I want to embrace the ones that make the nines and tens that much sweeter.
I want to see who else I am, what else I can do. I feel like I have shrunk over time. I have done so much for other people for so many years now it’s time to do some things for me. What I don’t want to do is stay on the safe path during this journey, I want to do things that challenge and scare me. And doing this blog is one of those challenges. I want to make more mistakes, not always seem like I have things all figured out.
