It’s been a long time since I posted. I got back from 2 weeks at Green Gulch, a local Zen center, on Wednesday but haven’t been able to put together anything about it until today. I figured it was easiest to start with the schedule and details about my time there would emerge, so here it goes:
The day starts at 4:30 with someone literally running through halls loudly ringing a bell letting everybody know it’s time to wake up. For me most mornings it wasn’t too bad since I usually get up around 5:30, but some mornings it was hard to get moving. But I did get up every day – stretch, brush my teeth, go to the bathroom etc. We had to be in the zendo (meditation hall) before 5 AM and during the meditation retreat (sesshin) they had halfway through my guest student stay, we had to be in there at least five minutes early.
We started with 35 minutes of sitting meditation (zazen), where you sit with your back to everybody facing a wall, or if you’re on the lower level, you’re facing the tan, a raised area where other people are sitting. Your eyes are open but unfocused and looking downward, sitting with a straight back. If you’re able you sit either full or half lotus, neither of which I can’t come close to doing. For awhile, I was doing a cobbler’s pose because I found if I I crisscrossed my legs at least one of them would fall asleep pretty quickly and there was just no way I could sit like that for 35 minutes, even in the cobbler’s pose sometimes. At one point one of the senior teachers advised that I use a chair so that I would be able to sit up straighter and I also would not strain my lower back, so after a few days I moved into a chair. This was challenging because I wanted to sit with the rest of my group who came in together as guest students and being in a chair meant I had to sit in a different area away from them. But the chair did end up working out much better for my legs. On the cushion I spent so much time concerned about my legs falling asleep or hurting when I was sitting and trying to keep my back straight (though I had had no way of knowinging how straight or un-straight my back was or whether it was leaning.) Anyway, once I was in the chair, I no longer had any issues with my legs or hips, so that was good. I did find my back would sometimes get sore especially when I moved from a regular folding chair that had a little padding to a wooden chair that I that didn’t have padding, though I added cushions. I think the chair was a little too big for my short legs so even with adding a cushion under my feet, it was not quite right. During sitting meditation you just letting your thoughts go by, not trying to stop thinking, just sitting. After that is 10 to 15 minutes of a very, very slow walking meditation (kinhin) which always felt really good on my legs and gave my body a chance to stretch a bit, a different kind of mindfulness. Then it was back to another 35 minutes of sitting meditation, then moving to the morning service for about 20 minutes.
During service I could move back to my spot on the floor sitting with crossed legs. Most people were on their knees sitting on their feet or maybe kneeling with a couple of cushions. I just can’t do that – it doesn’t matter how much additional cushions, I have to be completely off my knees. Service involves chanting, prostrating and other things. I love the sound of the drums, bells, bowls and other instruments. It’s really interesting and very different from anything I have ever participated in. At first I didn’t know any of the chants or incantations, but we were given a cheat sheet and eventually I learned them.
When service was over it was time for cleaning (soji). Everybody had a cleaning job no matter who you were. I did various jobs- cleaning bathrooms, cleaning the Zendo. During sesshin everybody had the same soji every day so that there didn’t need to be a constant explaining how to do things as there were a lot of new people there. That’s when I had my favorite soji job, which was sweeping pathways. It was a very quiet, meditative time because nobody’s talking. It was lovely, especially on a couple days when there were soft rain drops coming down from the eucalyptus and redwood tree branches above. We began at about 7 a.m. when it was still dark outside and it was just starting to get a little bit light as I finished up.
After that we headed over to the dining hall for breakfast. Breakfast was often some form of oatmeal or rice with toppings such as stewed fruit, miso soup, all different kinds of stuff. If for some reason I didn’t feel like whatever was served, there was also fruit, peanut butter, rice cakes available. We had 50 minutes for breakfast and it was silent. That gave me time to go back to our residence hall, brush my teeth, go to the bathroom. Sometimes after breakfast I’d find a spot in one of the gardens to journal. I especially loved the Japanese tea house garden. It has a fence all the way around and a gate. I always had it to myself and the sitting areas had overhangs so if it was raining, you were still protected. I found a couple different little meditation gardens, which were lovely. I could hear the frogs or the creek.
Next was study time. Anyone who is living in the residence hall sits at tables in the central area, recites a short blessing then has 50 minutes for reading and/or writing. The first day I started with a book I got from the library Tell Me Something About Buddhism. What a fantastic library there, besides the vast collection of books, the seating area looks out large windows at the hiking path and frog pond! It’s fantastic. Anyway, I thought, okay. I’m going to read this book and be mindful as I do, make sure I understand what I’m reading or at least make sure I’ve actually read it instead of skimming. That first study period was a revelation to just read without feeling like I needed to get to a certain point because I’ve got all these other things I need to get done. I love to read, but sometimes it feels like, I just need to get through this to get to the next thing, especially if it’s a nonfiction book. So it was amazing, I so enjoyed it and felt like I was really taking things in, unlike much of the studying I’ve done in the past.
After study was work, most mornings we met in the meadow by the Boncho (the big bell) for work circle. Anybody who had just arrived would introduce themselves and those who were leaving would say goodbye, there would be announcements from staff and lost and found then everyone would head to their work site. As guest students we worked in the kitchen after breakfast and lunch. We started out in the kitchen, washing up the dishes, it reminded me of the Girl Scout camp with the tubs of soapy and clear water and compost bin, though Green Gulch has a sterilizer. Then we would put away or compost any unused food, clean all the tables, the snack, drink and condiment areas, and sweep and mop floors. Usually by that time, we took a 10 minute break then sometimes we would go and help in other areas. We helped the land crew weed and rake. The farm crew had us weeding and thinning seedlings. It was wonderful to work in the sunshine with others in a companionable silence. We also washed, dried and folded up bedding and helped with food prep a few times.
Joshin, the head of the guest student program, talked to us often about being mindful about what we were doing. Trying not to have a busy, rushing attitude, but to be focused on what we were doing, to remember to check in with ourselves, see where our mind was. That was a powerful lesson for me because my mind is rarely where my body is.
Work ended at 12:15 then it was lunchtime. Outside of sesshin (when all meals were silent the entire time), both lunch and dinner were silent for the first 10 minutes, then you could talk after that. There was always at least one table that was a silent table if you didn’t feel like talking while you ate. When the weather was nice there were places to sit outside. The food was delicious! Lots of different food, some that I had never heard of before, but I tried everything and it was really good. There was almost always at least one kind of rice. In the condiments area there were about a dozen different kinds of spices and sauces that you could put on food. My favorite was gomasio which is toasted sesame seeds and salt. I put a sprinkling of that on the rice and sometimes on my salad or soup or whatever. Lunch and dinner was a time to get to know other folks, learn what brought them to Green Gulch, how long they’d been there, etc. There were a lot of folks in there late 20s and early 30s. which is not totally surprising. Many extremely well educated, hardworking folk who were in the work world for a few years and became completely disillusioned and/or burned out. So they came to a place like Green Gulch to figure out what’s next for them. I had very thoughtful conversations with many people. Quite a few had come for the two week guest student stay and then extended it and then became part of the work practice program on the farm or in the kitchen. Others were there for a six week practice period, a more intense time where they can learn and take on other responsibilities.
Work period restarts at 1:30, cleaning dishes, etc until three. From three until five was free time. When I first arrived I had visions of going for a hike or to the beach on my free time. I figured I’d be doing so much sitting I’d be itching to get out and move. Yeah, no. On the first day I went back to my room and took a nap! I’m not totally surprised since it took me a little while to get to sleep the night I arrived and then I was up at 4:30. I did manage to go out to the beach twice on my free time, but often I just took a nap or sat quietly.
During sesshin the participants were in silence the entire time and did not access technology, read or write, they were just to be focused on being present. As guest students we were also encouraged to be in silence and disconnect from tech, etc as much as possible. I turned off my phone completely for those five days. Before that I had not been checking my email or doing any of my normal routine on my phone and had turned off all notifications. I did check my texts once or twice a day, just to make sure there wasn’t anything that I needed to be concerned about it. It was really interesting because when I first arrived at Green Gulch I thought, okay, I’m not going to use my phone for photos or tracking my steps, no big deal. But, it was surprisingly hard to let go of having my phone on me all the time. I remember thinking ‘Oh, no, there go all my streaks – my daily 10,000 step goal, Wordle, Happyfeed.’ I did not realize how important those had become to me. I also felt disappointed when I couldn’t take a picture of something beautiful I saw, even though I often never looked at the pictures again unless I was going to post on my blog. Instead I learned to savor the moment instead of trying to always capture it (that being said, I did take photos on my days off!) I decided not to read outside of study time during sesshin, but I couldn’t let go of journaling. It was easier than I expected to not read, I really began to enjoy sitting quietly when I had free time instead of filling up that time on my phone or reading.
At 5:15 there was an optional zazen session and service. I participated every day as it was relaxing to do just before dinner. One sunny day when we’d been inside a lot after several days of rain, I decided I could not sit inside any longer, knowing I’d have dinner and then evening meditation inside. So I did sit zazen, but I did it outside the Zendo in the sunshine. That was just heavenly listening to the birds, frogs and wind and feeling the sun and wind on my body
Dinner was at six, with 10 minutes of silence at the beginning. People often lingered over dinner talking since evening zazen didn’t start until 730. I had brought a few small handmade notebooks thinking I might use them for notes or doodling. In one notebook I made from some artwork I wasn’t happy with I started spontaneously writing some haiku. Just whatever was coming up for me and it seemed the right thing for that notebook. Later I added a few cinquains. It was a nice alternative to scribbling in my journal all the time and a way of expressing myself. I also had one very tiny notebook that I used for doodling, I found that especially relaxing when my phone was turned off and I wasn’t reading.
The day ended with 35 minutes of zazen meditation, then 10 minutes of kinhin walking meditation, another 35 minutes of zazen, then the final service of the day. By then it was time to brush teeth and head to bed. I often went to sleep hearing the person on ‘firewatch’ walking around campus clacking two wooden bars together indicating they were checking for any potential fire issues -making sure the dryers were all turned off and there was no lint left in them, checking that everything was turned off in the kitchen, etc.
I slept next to the window which I loved because I could listen to the frogs or the rain or the wind. There was also a heater right next to my bed so I was always warm. The first ten days I was there the mattress I was sleeping on was very firm. I just figured that’s life, get used to it. I was able to sleep pretty well, though I got up to pee more than usual because the bed was so firm. On day 10 I laid something on the extra bed in our room and pushed on the mattress and thought it seemed a lot more comfortable than my mattress. I looked at it and saw it was a memory foam. So then I had a look at my mattress and saw that I was sleeping on a thin futon! It don’t take me long to switch mattresses and it was definitely much more comfortable. Note to self to check the mattress the next time!
My roommate was Allie, she’s probably close to Emmy’s age. She is working towards her MFT license, get getting her clinical hours right now. She’s been living in New York City and is in a place in her life where she enjoys her work, but is finding her heavy caseload is really intense. She cut her client caseload in half, took a month off to come to Green Gulch and visit friends then is going to be meet her clients remotely the next couple of months as she figures out what’s next. She also recently ended a relationship and moved, so lots of changes go on for her. She’s a very bubbly, wears her heart on her sleeve kind of person and she struggled at times with how straightforward some folks are at Green Gulch. The first evening we were there Joshin showed us around. We went into the Zendo to practice sitting and we had taken our shoes off at the entranceway of the residence hall, leaving them there as we had seen him do. When I came out later to get another zafu cushion somebody said ‘New student – don’t leave your shoes in the entryway, put them on the shelf.’ I felt annoyed that we hadn’t been told that, but apologized and moved the shoes. The next morning I was assigned to help clean the Zendo with the other guest students. As we were leaving, the Ino (Zendo manager) said very sternly, ‘Put your hair up when you’re in the Zendo.’ I had read that long hair needed to be pulled back, but mine didn’t even reach my shoulders and I can barely pull it back into a ponytail. I had noticed when we were doing prostrations that the hair in the front kept falling in my eyes. I found people there were overall very friendly and kind, but people were also very straightforward, not trying to sugarcoat anything and it could come across as quite stern, but after I got to know folks, I could see that’s just the way it is. There was a lot of emphasis on being mindful about what you were doing and not rushing. There was no expectation of doing anything perfectly and an understanding that we all were in different places, taking different paths.
I had done a one day sit at Green Gulch before the pandemic in 2018. So it had been quite a while and I had forgotten that in zazen you don’t close your eyes, instead you have a soft, unfocused gaze downward. This helps to keep you awake because sitting at five o’clock in the morning or eight thirty at night it is very easy to get sleepy, even with your eyes open. My expectation had been that I was going to have all this time to sit and think about stuff, figure things out, learn about myself, but really the focus of zazen meditation is just to sit in the correct (upright) posture not trying to think or avoid thoughts. So you’re not trying to figure anything out, but you’re also not trying to stop thoughts, which is fascinating how hard it is to just let things flow by and not try to get any insight or realizations or anything like that. So that was something that I learned a lot about over my time at Green Gulch doing an average of five zazen sits a day.
I’m reading more, trying to understand more about Zen and Buddhism in general. The second book I read during study time was Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind by Shunryu Suzuki, who started the San Francisco Zen Center and really got Zen going in a big way in the US. He was considered pretty radical when he came over from Japan as he put men and women on equal footing, which is not how it was/is in Japan.
Yessica and Jorge were the other guest students in my group. They are a couple from Mexico who had recently moved back there after nine years in the Netherlands earning their PhDs in biology. After working for pharmaceutical companies they became very disillusioned and burned out. They had been practicing Zen in the Netherlands for a number of years and were interested in learning more. The person running a retreat they attended in Mexico had encouraged them to come to Green Gulch. So they got visitor permits and came over. They were lots of fun, I got to take them to Muir Woods the day before we left so they could see the redwoods. They couldn’t get over how green everything was. They are soon heading to New Mexico for three months at a Zen Buddhist monastery. They are considering seeing if they can get their visa changed to a work visa and come back to do a work practice apprenticeship. If Green Gulch had animals I would be interested in learning about taking care of chickens, goats, sheep, etc. I could see myself doing that on a smaller scale, but not agricultural farm work.
The soundscape was wonderful- man made sign sounds around campus- bells, gongs, drums, the Han. Frog song, amazing how they can go from complete silence to total cacophony in an instant. Choruses of birds and early in the morning and late at night when the traffic noise was minimal, the ocean waves.
It was very different going down to Muir Beach after a few days at Green Gulch. I was always trying to get away from the noisy people so would find a spot away from the crowds. I was grateful that our days off were on Mondays when there were fewer people on the trails and at the beach.
While there are definitely some aspects of Zen Buddhism that I really resonate with, especially how simple and plain it is and the emphasis on making time for meditation, study, work, but not letting anything take over. For example, I found it fascinating with cleaning when the bell signaled the end of the cleaning period, you were supposed to stop whatever you were doing. If you were wiping down a toilet you would take out the brush and put it away. If you were mid-sweep, you would stop. It was the same with work, at the end of work period you stopped. It meant being mindful about prioritizing work, so that things that really needed to get done were first and then if we didn’t get to other things, that was okay, instead of working and not taking breaks. There were also inefficiencies, which was very challenging for me because I tend to be so focused on getting things done in an efficient way, but that’s not what the focus was there, it was on being present in what you were doing and mindful of others. Things like having silent breakfast and being mindful of what I was doing were challenging for me, but also taught me. Sweeping is one of my least favorite things to do, but I found when I was actually paying attention to just sweeping, and wasn’t thinking about what I had to do after that and after that, etc, it was a lot more enjoyable. I don’t know if I’d say I really liked it, but it was definitely better than when I’m doing something and my brain is focused on four steps ahead or two steps back. I’m starting to see how much I do that.
It has been hard being back home and not falling back into old habits, especially since I’m at my mom’s house, so I can’t just do things exactly the way I want line I did when I lived by myself. If I had it my way there wouldn’t even be a TV. But that’s okay. Mom has her way of doing things and I have mine and just being more mindful instead of being upset or wanting things a certain way helps. I also see how much my expectations and anticipation impacts my emotions and causes me to cling to wanting things to be a specific way. I see how quickly things change, like when I’m sitting in meditation and get an itch on my nose or my eyebrow. My first instinct is to just brush it away. But I worked on waiting to see what happened and almost invariably it went way relatively quickly. So I guess I don’t have to react to those things immediately, I don’t have to let them annoy me.