I’m trying to figure out what’s going to be next for me once this interim position finishes up at the end of the year. I’ve been so overwhelmed and exhausted from the work and dealing with stuff around mom‘s health that I just haven’t had the mental capacity to do much looking into the future. I’ve been feeling disappointed in myself because I haven’t been working on my Gap Year guide or posting on my blog regularly. I feel tired and uninspired.
I have to carve out space to daydream about what’s next for me otherwise my natural inclination is just keep busy and hope it will work out. I’m worried I’ll get depressed about not figuring out my next steps. Part of me wants lots of quiet, introspective time, away from distractions (Work, family, reading, podcasts, chores, etc.) where I can have time to let things bubble up inside. Let the sadness, hope, confusion, fear, excitement come and see what happens. I have gone through bouts of depression but always manage to pull myself out. I wish I didn’t fear it so much, to let myself go deeper and not look for the fast and easy answer that makes me stay in my comfort zone. Take action!
I’m thinking about whether I want to take on another Interim ED position. I have learned A LOT from this current position and have a better idea of what I feel capable of doing, what works for me, what information I need to know in advance of taking on a position. I’m leaning towards taking on another interim role after I have some time off.
On Saturday morning, I spent time daydreaming and collaging, which was wonderful, starting to reconnect with myself and see where I want to go next.
Later, I got out for a hike on the Rhubarb Trail up to the Alta Trail, the last third of a mile of that hike is pretty much straight up, and definitely a workout, but worth it for the beauty all around. I love going on the Rhubarb Trail because it is much less traveled than other trails in the area, usually just locals know about it, and almost everybody has a dog or two – or in the case of a dog walker who went by me today, eight! I get to walk by myself and listen to the sound of birds and the wind and the rain, it was just what I needed.
I want a more creative life, one where I am making things or helping others create instead of sitting in front of a computer most of the day. Creativity can be making things with words or my hands or space for quiet contemplation. So often when it’s busy and hectic I’m just spinning plates instead of doing deeper, contemplative work. Something is always pulling, taking my attention away from thinking about what’s important and how I want to spend my time. I want to be able to take my time to do things instead of rushing and always ALWAYS thinking about what still needs to be done, never feeling I can relax.
Sunday was a great day. I spent time with my friend Heather, much of it just catching up but also playing an 80’s movie trivia game. We did pretty well, though there were some questions that were really obscure – the name of some character’s brother or dog. Heather made a delicious lunch of salmon with green beans and salad then we went for a walk in her neighborhood. It was just what I needed, a day to hang out with a friend. Afterwards I stopped at Marin MOCA (Museum of Contemporary Art) to check out their current exhibits. I saw some pieces that interested me, though not as much as the last time I was there.
The sky outside was quite dramatic so I decided to go for a walk on the nearby Bay Trail where I was almost the only person who wasn’t walking a dog.
I’m reading the latest Louise Penny novel, The Grey Wolf. I’m trying to pace myself as I know it will be another 2 years until the next one comes out. I’m wishing I had not sped through the other 18, 19? books in the Inspector Gamache series. They are just so good! I love getting to know the characters and wanting to find out what happens to them next.
I’ve decided to set aside a minimum of 15 minutes each morning to work on a creative project – whether it be collaging, poetry, whatever. I need to do it first thing in the morning when I am fresh and not worn out from the day. It’s also quiet in the house at that time so I’m not distracted by the sounds of the TV. This morning I worked with some fall leaves I had collected last week and dried. Before I knew it 1/2 hour had passed, it was so meditative. I realized that I need to get everything laid out the night before so I can just start in and not spend time finding my supplies and setting up.