When I’m trying to figure where I’m going in my life right now two different visions come up. I’m either in a room with all walls and no windows and doors, signifying that I’m stuck and there are no options, or else I’m in a clearing with several different paths out, opening myself up to possibility, but also leaving me undecided about choosing a path. I wonder if there a way to find something in between, to narrow my choices? I tend to gravitate toward less, as too much (stuff, choices, stimulation, work, etc) overloads me. Right now I don’t want to do that, I want to be open and receptive, but in a way that isn’t overwhelming. That’s a dance I am trying to learn. Maybe it’s about narrowing my choices to just the things that excite me, and letting go of the ones that are focused solely on what I can or should do.
I think this is the first time of my life I’ve had so many choices. I haven’t had to narrow them because of others needs or lack of awareness of other possibilities of what I am capable of or insecurity about my abilities (not that I don’t feel insecure now, but I’m better able to face it). So often my focus has been on what I know how to do instead of what I enjoy or spend time doing, mixed in with a strong need to feel confident in whatever role I take on, wanting to be as close to 100% sure that I can do it as possible. I see how fear of failure has caused me to limit my choices of what I could do with my life. I can see it so much more clearly now as I’m letting myself flirt with possibility and new ideas of how to live. I can see how moving out of that sense of safety and security causes the fears to arise faster and stronger. It’s something I’m doing battle with every day.
On Friday night I definitely did some thing that excited me – went to the Pat Benatar concert with four of my sisters! Berlin was the opening band, which was awesome because we knew lots of their songs as well. It was wonderful to see two women, one in her 60s and one in her 70s, on stage rocking out to a very enthusiastic audience. We sang and danced and cheered. The venue was great, it was on the smaller side so we could see the stage easily, it was relatively new so everything was clean, and parking was free. The only downside was having to walk through the smoky casino to get into and out of the venue. Pat Benatar sounds exactly the same as she did back in the 70s and 80s, the only difference was her hair was a blonde bob and her clothes were nothing like the skin tight Lycra she used to wear. It was so much fun to relive being a teenager again, being excited by the loud, live music and with others who are just excited and enthusiastic as you are.
The next morning Lori and I drove out to Sheridan to meet my son Kieran and his fiancé Kourtney and check out the wedding venue that they have picked out. It’s a property with a beautiful old stone barn, lovely, mature trees and fields on every side. The only sound you could hear were birds, well, also the sound of the people putting together the dance floor for the wedding being held later that day. We were shown around by the owner of the property, and were so impressed by the look and feel of the place. It’s a beautiful, relaxed atmosphere, totally Kieran and Kourtney‘s style, and it’s only 15 minutes away from their house. It’s all starting to come together for them. I can’t believe my baby will be getting married next year!
After that, we headed to my sister Michelle‘s house, hiked around their property and had a delicious pulled pork lunch. They haven’t even been living there a year yet and they have done so much work, it is very impressive. I get to house and pet sit later in the month, I can’t wait!
